I got up this morning like normal this week, my husband helped me out of bed which is a pretty painful process post breast surgery and grafting, he helped me to bathe and to get ready, I put my optimistic game face on, struggled but get down part-one of another cylinder of pre-CT scan liquid, and we left for my first appointment, which was an acupuncture appointment for my breast cancer clinical trial. I was still obviously hurting, feeling pretty weak, kind short of breath and a bit nauseous, but mentally I was good. I actually thought acupuncture was a good way to start a scary day, but while lying on the usually calming table my eyes started to well up with tears and I realized I am little scared about this test. People always ask me how is it that I am always so optimistic, so positive, and how it is possible that even in the scariest and most painful moments I still have a smile on my face. The truth is I don’t know. I guess I am just naturally an optimistic and happy person and I am pretty good at hiding the pain and the fear, but I will admit that although I am naturally this way, it doesn’t mean that I’m not sad, scared or even worried a times. Maybe it sounds crazy to say that sometimes I am both optimistic and scared at the same time. But really I just think it means that I trust my medical team, I have faith, and I have learned that I am strong enough to face each step of what has become the rest of my life with cancer.
The good news is my testing is done. My nurse at Lemmon Holton was amazing in every way. She talked me through the entire process even though I have had CT scans in the past, she helped me to get my painfully sore body in position on the table even adding towels to pad my arms because it is not yet easy to lift them, and she was amazingly kind through the entire scan. I slowly and carefully hobbled up to the 2nd floor for check in, but after the scan I felt a little more weak, light headed and nauseous, so they wanted me to be wheeled out. After shedding just a few tears and a lot of smiles and laughs with my scared but sarcastic hubby, he wheeled me up to the 5th floor so I could get some work done on my passion project (which is the best possible distraction right now) while waiting for my next appointment and round of infusions. It was hard for him to leave me, because the waiting game has now begun, but I feel good knowing that my oncologist Dr. Melnik is also hopeful that this mass could be nothing to worry about. I am telling myself that this is just another one of what will be many scares with the awful “C” over the rest of my lifetime with this awful decease. Cancer was an uninvited guest into my life, but I am learning to accept it is always going to be with me, in my mind, in my thoughts, in my fears, and in my heart. But I’m going to say it just because I can….CANCER SUCKS!Just to keep my attitude in check today, I am wearing the perfect shirt, because in my mind; hope does run deep for a world without Breast Cancer.