Now This Is Real

It is very hard to sum up the last two years of my life in one article, but Amy from West Michigan Woman did an amazing job of pulling all of the major details together. I owe a big thank you to Kasie Bomer-Smith and the rest of the WMW team for for sharing my story and for sharing the Forgotten Fighters Mission and I owe a big thank you to all of my hair and makeup stylists for making me look and feel a little bit like my pre-cancer self for the day. Now if I could just get them to make me up like this every morning…

You can read the article here: http://www.mydigipub.com/publication/frame.php…

#WestMichiganWoman #mypersonalpinktime #ForgottenFighters

Taking the Bad with the Good

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Taking the Good With the Bad:
Last week was full of high moments for me as I experienced my first National Cancer Survivor Week. To start off my week, The Susan G. Komen Organization shared my story on their home page and with a survivor day campaign that they are running to bring hope and comfort to women enduring breast cancer treatment with notes of encouragement. On Tuesday, I saw my oncologist for my 3 month check up and she not only raved about my reconstruction progress, but also said that there was no sign of any cancer return in my breasts and later that day Spectrum Health Beat posted a story about my journey with breast cancer and the vital part that my medical team played in the last 15 months of treatments and surgeries. On Wednesday I wasn’t feeling great so I spent the better part of the day at infusion, but during that time, I was asked to do my first ever radio interview, which was a little intimidating at first. Following the interview and my infusions, I headed down stairs to check out the Spectrum Health Cancer Center’s Cancer Survivor day celebration at Lemmon Holton where I met some pretty special people. One being a very sweet young lady. I was sitting with a friend when she came up and said “Tammy?”. Her eyes instantly welled up with tears before she could get another word out. She said she has been following me for the past year and that she has followed many cancer stories over the years and none have touched her in the way that my story has, which was so touching to hear. She said I usually never do this, but I saw you and I had to come up and tell you how amazing you are and how much you have inspired me. I asked her if she had been personally touched by cancer and she struggled to hold back the tears as she said, “I lost my aunt to breast cancer when I was younger. She was everything to me and I am now living my life in a way that honors her.” I got goose bumps all over my body, but in a good way, as I too lost my aunt at a very young age to breast cancer, and I too made a promise to live my life in a way that honored her. Although we didn’t chat for too long, she left a little imprint on my day and on my heart. I ended my week by finally releasing a sneak peek video teaser of the Breast cancer awareness project that has been in the works since the day I was diagnosed,which was a release of emotion in itself. I still have a lot of work yet to do, but I am very excited to release the full project into the public very soon.

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All of this sounds really great, but there is one moment among all these happy and joyous moments that I haven’t shared. Before I left my 3 month oncology appointment with Dr. Melnik, she mentioned that my post treatment and surgery nausea may be because of some gall stones that have shown up on my scans, so she suggested I see a surgeon about potentially having my gall bladder removed, and then… She let me know that they had found a nodule on my lung in a previous scan. Right away, she said that it could be nothing, but she also said that they have to take anything in the lungs very seriously because it is not uncommon for breast cancer to move to the lungs, which is not what I wanted to hear. She said we have to do another scan to take a closer look and makes sure that this nodule is not more cancer. As usual my heart skipped a beat, but I have had many scares already in this journey so I am getting better at putting my fear aside and letting the positive guide me through. Although it is always scary to hear you have to be re-scanned for anything, I was able to kind of dismiss it and tell myself it was nothing. However seeing my husbands eyes well up with tears and his mind fill with fear again, as I shared this with him, reminded me how serious this situation is and always will be. Just seeing the fear on his face took me back to those scary first few days last year. The truth is, having even a small chance that there could be more cancer growing in my body and knowing that I could be faced with all of this again, has a way of sending your mind into panic mode.

I will be honest, I originally didn’t think this was something I was going to share because this key part of my post doesn’t exactly go with all the good that cancer survivor week had brought last week, but I am realizing that this key part has a bigger part in this whole message all together. To be completely honest I am not a huge fan of the word “survivor” or at least I wasn’t. I kind of felt that if my medical team could tell me that I will never have to deal with cancer again and that cancer was just a part of my past and will never be a part of my future, then I could refer to myself as a cancer survivor, however we don’t know if that is the case. I started my battle with cancer last year, I battled my way through treatment, I battled my way though surgeries, and now I am battling my way through post treatment care, and the lasting effects of breast cancer. My fight started last year and it will not end until the day I take my last breath (which will hopefully be many many years down the road), so I prefer to call myself a “Cancer Warrior”. I’m not sure if my battle will ever be won because from what I understand you don’t really ever fully win a battle with breast cancer… Although it has a high cure rate as they say, it also has the ability to lay dormant in other parts of the bod for years until it rears its ugly head again, so it will always be lurking in my mind, and I feel like I will always be fighting. In explaining this to my infusion nurse, she said, why is it that you don’t like to attach the word survivor to you? How does it make you feel? She does that sometimes… just puts you on the spot and makes you face and work through your reality but she did kind of see my point. However it must have been on her mind, because she returned to my little infusion cubicle a little later to tell me that she looked it up and the term “Survivor” is actually derived from the Latin term “la Vevere” which means “to live or living”. The dots immediately connected in my mind. Although Cancer will always be a part of me and I will constantly be reminded that my “cancer” could return, I don’t have to let it own me in the mean time. That’s when it clicked that I needed to share this part of my week with all of you because dealing with constant fearful moments like these and still getting up each morning and putting a smile on my face for the ones I love is what truly makes me a survivor. I do have some control here.. I can wake up every morning and choose to live and not let cancer control me in this very moment. Even with the scares that seem to keep coming at every pass, I can take the good with the bad, and I can choose to be a survivor. I can choose not to let cancer win and keep me down and that is a choice I am going to keep making. So I am a “cancer warrior” who will not give up, but at the same time I am also a survivor who chooses to live. In the mean time, I am going to hope and pray that this scare with my lung, is just that… a scare.

Although the fear that comes with a cancer diagnosis will never get easier, I am accepting that this is a part of my life now and I am choosing to remain optimistic. In talking to both my nurse and my OT today, there really is a greater chance that this scare is nothing to worry about, but none of us will be able to move forward until we know that for sure. For now an order has been placed for another scan to take a closer look at my lungs and I will be seeing a surgeon about my gall bladder in the coming weeks. As usual I will keep you all posted.

‪#‎cancersucks‬ ‪#‎mypersonalpinktime‬

Sharing and Teaching Round 2

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When my Occupational Therapist asked me to let her do a live demonstration or therapy session on my cording during a presentation on Post Mastectomy Cording and Lymphedema that she was giving the GVSU graduating OT students this past December, I really didn’t know what to expect…  or should I say; I didn’t make time to over-think what was about to happen as I often do. Instead, I kept my promise to allow this journey with breast cancer, to take me where I was meant to go and I accepted the invitation to share some of the real struggles that come from breast cancer with young students who will indeed be in the position to help women like me in the future. Although I walked into the lecture hall not knowing what to expect, I was completely in the moment and did exactly what felt right. I shared not only a bit of my story, and the struggles I am still facing post mastectomy/reconstructive surgeries, but I also bared all and showed my real lasting breast cancer battle scars and a glimpse into some of the drastic physical effects of breast cancer and how that impacts or  limits aspects of your everyday life after breast cancer. I know I have said this many times before, but before my diagnosis I would have never shared these details with even my closest friends let alone a group of students I have never meant, but this year has opened me up in ways that I cannot explain. My own personal insecurities now fall second to my passion to make a difference and turn my crazy year into some type of positive. So far, following my my gut impulse and most importantly following my heart in the moment, has not let me down this year and this day was no different. Every student in the room had compassion, was engaged, and most of all every student was there in the moment with me. I was at ease, and I felt safe, but most of all, I felt like in that exact moment, I had the ability to give each and every student a real look at what a young woman with breast cancer really face, even the things that nobody really ever talks about, and I had the ability to help my amazing occupational therapist Amy teach these students first hand, so that one day when a woman dealing with all the physical struggles that come from breast cancer is sitting in their office, they will be able to better help them with a better understanding of their struggles. Although both my husband and I were both shocked at how much I actually shared, there was no regret. I walked out of that classroom feeling grateful that Amy asked me to be a part of her presentation, but also feeling like being there that day, was in a way fulfilling one of the purposes that has been laid before me.

_DSC3485 copy_1140That purpose got a little greater, a month or so back. A few occupational therapy students from SVSU in Saginaw, MI happened to see Grand Valley’s post about the presentation that Amy and I give on Facebook and they contacted me right away to see if both Amy and I would be willing to do a very similar presentation for their class as well. Originally they wanted us to be a part of a conference that involved, professionals, students, faculty, patients, and caregivers, however the dates just didn’t align on our end so we ended up doing a presentation one a Friday afternoon after their classes had let out. This time around, I knew what to expect, I knew that I would be talking and sharing with these students and I knew that there was a pretty great potential that I would again open myself up and bare my scars…. So I took the time to over-think it and I was nervous, but talking with my occupational therapist on the 2 hour drive to Saginaw helped so much. To our surprise there was no professor or instructor present that Friday, and no one was requiring that these students  were present for our presentation. In fact, they  arranged this lecture on their own time, because they wanted to be there, they wanted to meet the two of us, and most importantly they wanted to learn from us.

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Realizing that, put my mind at ease right away. As I sat on the table and listened to Amy give her breast cancer background and her post mastectomy cording intro, I realized that again I was right where I was meant to be. My OT Amy, is quite amazing herself and also happens to be a young, two-time breast cancer survivor herself, so she comes with expertise from both a professional and a personal level. She explained what happens to a woman’s body during and after breast cancer, and breast surgery, and she talked about the struggles that we breast cancer warriors face every single day.  Each and every student was hanging on every single word. I found myself taking in all that she was saying and in a sense educating myself  “on the other side of my breast care”. That was until she got the the part where she explained that typically, post mastectomy cording takes about 4-6 weeks to break up, and that it usually gets better, but that I was her  special case, because my cording is very pesky and complicated in that it keeps returning with a vengeance thus proving that I am again that .01% that broke the mold. Oddly this surprised me. Amy then worked my cording in front of the class to show how she stretches, pulls, and even tries to break the cords that restrict the movement in my shoulder and arm. Let’s just say she didn’t hold back, so it was at times hard to hide the pain. OK it was quite obvious that it was painful….  but I did my best to smile through it. When it came time for me to share the real battle scares, the nerves had settled and it just felt right. Honestly if felt very much like an intimate conversation with a somewhat large group of people, if that is at all possible. The students were again, quite respectful, engaged, and almost captivated at what both Amy and I had to say, which meant we again walked out with no regrets. I feel so honored that I was able to be a part of Amy’s presentation and again I feel very honored that I was able give the students from SVSU a first hand look at what one of their future patients might be facing.
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#sharingandteaching #mypersonalpinktime #SVSUotprogram

Full surgical update

surgery_1140Surgery itself has never caused me any anxiety for some reason, however I was a little nervous going into this last surgery. Not nervous to be put under again or even to add more surgical trauma to my ever growing list, but I was nervous to wake up and have to go through the painful recovery that I knew I would be facing being because I had almost the exact surgery a few months back. I knew that I would struggle to even hold my own weight in the days immediately following my surgery, I knew it would take months to heal the painful bruising and incision sites and that I wouldn’t be able to hold or really play with Corryn, and most of all I knew that it would again set my body back in the overall cancer recovery department.
surgery2_1140Like usual, I didn’t sleep a wink the night before surgery because my mind had gone into busy nesting mom-mode and was very much preparing to be physically down for a awhile, but as usual meeting my amazing photographer/friend Sam at the hospital, very much distracted me and made those surgical prep hours fly by. In fact, there were a few moments where I had actually even forgotten why I was at the hospital all together which is pretty amazing. We also had my mom with us as well as our new friend Brooke, who was there capturing video for a project I have in the works, so I could even go as far as saying that this time, was “fun”. Before I knew it I was removing my healing and protection jade necklace, and they were connecting all the tubes and wires and wheeling me off to surgery. Before going into surgery, my amazing plastic surgeon had laid out her plan for me, which included cutting out some irritated scar tissue that had formed around my chemotherapy port site incision as well as injecting some steroids into the site to keep the irritation from returning, the removal of my left tissue expander, the placement of my left breast implant, phase one of my left nipple reconstruction, fat and tissue grafting from my thighs again and placement into both breasts, as well as  immediate stretching of my right breast skin, and placement of my right implant; if possible. But, we had  also talked about placing a tissue expander on the right side if all of this wasn’t possible once she got into surgery. The list was long and again meant a pretty big recover,  but I knew it would be great to make all of this progress in a big combined surgery.

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Sharing and Teaching Round 2

_DSC3460 copy_1140When my Occupational Therapist asked me to help and let her do a live demonstration on me during a  presentation on Post Mastectomy Cording and Lymphedema that she was giving the GVSU graduating OT students this past December, I really didn’t know what to expect…  or should I say; I didn’t make time to over-think what was about to happen as I often do. Instead, I kept my promise to allow this journey with breast cancer, to take me where I was meant to go and I accepted the invitation to share some of the real struggles that come from breast cancer with young students who will indeed be in the position to help women like me in the future.. Although I walked into the lecture hall not knowing what to expect, I was completely in the moment and did exactly what felt so right. I shared not only a bit of my story, and the struggles I am still facing post mastectomy/reconstructive surgeries, but I also bared all and showed  my real lasting breast cancer battle scars and a glimpse into some of the drastic physical effects of breast cancer and how that impacts or should I say limits  aspects of your everyday life after breast cancer. I know I have said this many times before, but before my diagnosis I would have never shared these details with even my closest friends let alone a group of students I have never meant, but this year has opened me up in ways that I cannot explain. My own personal insecurities now fall second to my passion to make a difference and turn my crazy year into some type of positive. So far, following my my gut impulse and most importantly following my heart in the moment, has not let me down this year and this day was no different. Every student in the room had compassion, was engaged, and most of all every student was there in the moment with me. I was at ease, and I felt safe, but most of all, I felt like in that exact moment I had the ability to give each and every student a real look at what a young woman with breast cancer really face, even the things that nobody really ever talks about, and I had the ability to help my amazing occupational therapist Amy teach these students  first hand, so  that one day when a woman dealing with all the physical struggles that come from breast cancer is sitting in their office, they will be able to better help them with a better understanding of their struggles. Although both my husband and I were both shocked at how much I actually shared, there was no regret.  I walked out of that classroom feeling grateful that Amy asked me to be a part of her presentation, but also feeling like being there that day, was in a way fulfilling one of the purposes that has been laid before me.

_DSC3485 copy_1140That purpose got a little greater, about a month ago. A few occupational therapy students from SVSU in Saginaw, MI happened to see Grand Valley’s post about the presentation that Amy and I give on Facebook and they contacted me right away to see if both Amy and I would be willing to do a very similar presentation for their class as well. Originally they wanted us to be a part of a conference that involved, professionals, students, faculty, patients, and caregivers, however the dates just didn’t align on our end so we ended up doing a presentation one Friday afternoon after their classes had let out. This time around, I knew what to expect, I knew that I would be talking and sharing with  these students and I knew that there was a pretty great potential that I would again open myself up and bare my scars…. So I took the time to over-think it and I was nervous, but talking with my occupational therapist on the 2 hour to Saginaw helped so much. To our surprise there was no professor or instructor present that Friday, and no one was requiring that these students  were present for our presentation. In fact, they  arranged this lecture on their own time, because they wanted to be there, they wanted to meet the two of us, and most importantly they wanted to learn from us.

_DSC3537 copy_1140Realizing that, put my mind at ease right away. As I sat on the table and listened to Amy give her breast cancer background and her post mastectomy cording intro, I realized that again I was right where I was meant to be. My OT Amy, is quite amazing herself and is also a young,  two-time breast cancer survivor, so she comes with expertise from both a professional and a personal level. She explained what happens to a woman’s body during and after breast cancer, and breast surgery, and she talked about the struggles that we breast cancer warriors  face every single day.

Each and every student was hanging on every single word. I found myself taking in all that she was saying and in a sense educating myself  “on the other side of my breast care”. That was until she got the the part where she explained that typically, post mastectomy cording takes about 4-6 weeks to break up, and that it usually get’s better, but that I was her  special case, because my cording is very pesky and complicated in that it keeps returning with a vengeance thus proving that I am again that .01% that broke the mold. Oddly this surprised me. Amy then worked my cording in front of the class to show how she stretches, pulls, and even tries to break the cords that restrict the movement in my shoulder and arm. Let’s just say she didn’t hold back, so it was at times hard to hide the pain, OK it was quite obvious that it was painful….  but I did my best to smile through it. When it came time for me to share, the nerves had settled and it just felt right. Honestly if felt very much like an intimate conversation with a somewhat large group of people, if that is at all possible. The students were again, quite respectful, engaged, and almost captivated at what both Amy and I had to say, which meant we again walked out with no regrets.
_DSC3566 copy_1140We both actually really enjoyed every minute of it and mentioned that we could have spent hours with this delightful group of students. It was fun for even my husband Jordan who photographed some of the moments from the day, and playfully mentioned that the entire class had now been to second base with his wife. I feel so honored that I was able to be a part of Amy’s presentation and again I feel very honored that I was able give the students from SVSU a first hand look at what one of their future patients might be facing.
#sharingandteaching #mypersonalpinktime #SVSUotprogram

A Family Hospital Visit with Mommy

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My beautiful friend Sam, my husband, and my new found Friend Brooke captured photos and footage from my surgery day so there will be more to come, but I wanted to share this one image of my little family spending time with me while I was bound to my hospital bed for a few days post surgery. Luckily they had me nicely medicated so my pain was controlled and Corryn could get close allowing mommy hide a her pain with smile.

For my my awesome sister Kate who lovingly mothered me a bit today and will love hearing she’s right: Yes I am the crazy patient who always wears makeup on surgery days and the crazy patient that wets her budding hair out of her water cup, after her 4:30am vital checks in the hospital, I am the crazy patient who keeps facial wipes, deodorant, perfume and make-up by my bedside so I can freshen up and even apply a little eye makeup at least, so I’m not looking too much of a wreck when my doctors round around 5:30-6 am. My awesome but motherly sister thinks sometimes I need to let people/especially my medical team see just how awful I feel to ensure I am treated for all of my symptoms and quit making myself look healthier then I am with make-up and a big smile. (She laughs when she mothers so it’s ok). In retrospect she is probably right. Who am I kidding? After not letting me shower with left over surgical iodine all over my body and being stuck in a hospital bed for 4 days my medical team, and my visitors would have given me a pass to look like the hell I was feeling, huh? But I’m a girl at heart and even at my sickest moments, I want to look my best. Silly I know.

Rest and Recovery

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After a few days in the hospital, I am officially home and resting. I will admit that I although I was still in some pain from my first round of grafting in December, I really had blocked just how painful this aspect of my surgery was going to be, but the extreme muscle weakness and pain came flooding back into my mind, the moment my post-opt nurses tried to get me out of bed for the first time. To be completely honest, I am in a LOT of pain and I am moving really slow so far, but at least I am home. At this point there isn’t much that I can do on my own with the compression garments that I have to wear from my chest down to my knees. Ok, to be real, I cannot do anything on my own. My husband has to help me remove my compression garment so I can use the bathroom, I am not allowed to shower or take a bath yet so he has to help me sponge clean and wash my hair, and he literally lifts me into bed and wipes away the pain induced tears that fill my eyes when getting into bed.

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