Pain and Worry


It has been a pretty rough few days physically, painfully and emotionally, and to be honest after feeling nauseous and struggling to eat or drink for the past few days post surgery, I am very weak, vomiting and constantly on the verge of passing out. It was a struggle because although I knew I needed to be seen, and I knew I really needed some fluids to get me back to a good place, I didn’t really know which, out of all of my specialists was best to call. Do I call my oncologist who has treated every condition for the past year, my cardiologist who knows of my cardio conditions but is unaware of how cancer exasperates them, do I call the surgeon who saw me last a few days ago in the hospital or do I call my general family practice doc?


Jordan started out calling my oncologist because it still seams everything should funnel through her, but after several conversations, we ended up also talking with my cardiologist at West Michigan Heart, who now also heads up cardiac oncology as well. He didn’t have much record of how bad my cancer, my cancer treatment, and my surgeries or complications over the past year have affected my pots syndrome and syncope or how often hydration and IV medications were used to keep my levels high enough for me to function this past year, so there was a lot of back and forth with the nurses before my physician realized the urgency of the situation. Thankfully he acted very quickly. I was sent to the 5th floor Lemmon Holton Infusion Center and told to get pretty regular infusions for the next few weeks or until I start to feel a little better, and that he was writing an open order for me to be hydrated as often as needed because he doesn’t want me to get to this dangerous of a point again. This conversation earned me another office visit with him, and another new medication to add to the list, but not before it landed me back in the infusion center at LH for the day. I could tell my amazing nurses were a bit worried as they watched Jordan wheel me in and then watched me struggle as I moved into the chair, but I have to admit it was so amazing to see all of them after so long.


Now I’m laying here at nearly 3:00 am not sleeping, feeling quite ill again, and in quite a lot of pain, but mostly I’m struggling to mentally prepare for the abdominal CT scan I’m having in the morning to confirm that a small mass that was found on my liver is not cancer. The hardest part is that I am reminded that I will never be past or free of breast cancer even if i am told it’s not growing in my body. The risk, the worry, and the fear will always be with me, and although I am so grateful that my amazing oncologist is staying so on top of things and checking just to be certain, I know this testing phase will happen far more often then I would like it too and more importantly it will be and has already become a normal part of the rest of my life.


My amazing oncology team has been watching the mass and all my levels for months and it has only grown a small amount so my oncologist is very hopeful it is not cancer but there is still concern because of my cancer history, and because my liver enzymes have remained somewhat elevated, but they are hoping to officially rule a cancer recurrence out with this scan. As always, I am doing my very best to stay optimistic. I really hate to ask for anything, but I would appreciate any prayers you could send my way this morning. Please don’t let this mass be more cancer.

#mypersonalpinktime #cancerfearisalwayswithyou #cancersucks


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