So it seems that confusion and emotion come even with the best of news when you’re dealing with the awful “c-word”. Although yesterdays test results are lifting me up, the fact that I have been feeling really weak and dizzy the past few days is reminding me that this is still my reality and in a way, always will be. I keep telling myself and others that I am fine but those closest to me are saying that I seem a bit withdrawn or even distant these days so maybe I am not as fine as I think I am.
The truth is I am ok, but I will admit I’m kind of living in my head right now. Not in a bad way, just in a figuring this out kind of way. My mind is constantly racing with thoughts. On one hand I know I should be happy that I am done with treatment and on to the second surgery phase. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy to put that behind me, but there is a small part of me that also wishes I was still getting treatments because at least then I would know that I am being proactive in fighting rather then just hoping that all of my efforts have worked. I think the hardest part for me is that I have not been told that the chemo and radiation worked…. or that I am cancer free. I haven’t even been told that I am in remission… which kind of leaves me in an emotional limbo.
At this point I am doing my best to move forward in this “new normal” of mine. I am not really bothered by my drastic physical changes and I am working through the fears, but I do think that I may be subconsciously mourning the loss of my past somewhat carefree self. The truth is I am not the same person that I was before cancer and I never will be. Maybe that is a good thing too. Cancer has taken a lot from me, but it has also given me a new and better perspective on life too. I believe that things do happen for a reason and I am really hoping that this entire experience is shaping me into a better version of myself.
Although I can never go back, I am trying to figure out where I fit into this new normal so I can get past the “now what” stage. Most of all I am working to get to know the new me and I am trying to believe I am kicking cancer’s butt! One thought, one moment, and one day at a time.